Love Simply

Choosing to descend
And empty the self for one
Called worthy and seen

Occupying space
In the thoughts of another
So the self forgets

Way of the kingdom
To give, give, and give again
Eager to lay down

Greatest of these
It remains beyond feelings,
Endures past the end.

Recently I was challenged to write a haiku answering the question: what is your definition of love? Obviously, while 17 syllables cannot fully capture love, I enjoyed the practice of condensing this huge concept into one thought.

Hopefully, you’ll notice that these haikus touch on each of the four loves (eros, storge, phileo, and agape). Eros was the least acknowledged, and agape the most. That was slightly intentional because I don’t pretend to have much experience with eros, and because there’s too much “poetry” already on eros. That being said, I do think many people have reduced eros to “Disney love”, or romance portrayed in popular culture. To do so robs eros of its beauty and goodness. It is true that we must not be fully lead by eros (the Bible is full of warnings against carnal lust, and “follow your heart” is the worst advice ever written), but to write it off as evil is also a mistake. You would have to pretend the book of Song of Solomon and large parts of Proverbs don’t exist. Eros, like all the loves, has been twisted and perverted by fallen human nature. Only by God’s redeeming love can it be restored to its true beauty and rightful place within the kingdom of God.

I digress. What I wanted to convey in each of these haikus is that all the loves require the lover to forget the self in some way. The focus is always on another person. When love becomes turned inward to the self, that’s when love becomes perverted. Perverted love acts out of fear and neediness because it fears the shame that might come with intimacy and selfishly wants something in return. What is meant to be pouring out actually takes. (Coincidentally, this changes the conversation on self-love. Is self-care actually a thing in Scripture, or did we make that up so our sinful self-love is validated?) Some of the loves are natural, meaning that they don’t take much of our will to act on. Eros (romantic love), as C.S. Lewis writes in his book The Four Loves, is when another person invades the mind and reorients the lover completely to the beloved. Phileo and storge (friendship and affection) also happen naturally. 

 Another digression, the line between phileo and storge is hard for me to distinguish because my closest friendships would actually be categorized under affection. These are the friends who are more like family because we simply do life together. The comfort we take from being together, no matter what we’re doing, is the comfort of home. Phileo, at least according to Lewis, requires an outside focus, something you have in common. These don’t feel like friendships to me because they are shallower and easily came and go, and with their natural departure, not much love is lost. However, that seems to be the point of their nature, and they certainly lend themselves to a more companionable and pleasant life. And of course, friendships like that can just as easily settle into affection.

Agape love is the one love that is not natural because it is a complete emptying of the self. It is the kind of love that sends Jesus to the cross for his bride, that caused him to willingly submit to becoming human. It is a choice, the same choice that God made when he called Abram to be the father of nations, the choice that Ruth made to follow Naomi, that David made to bring the son of his fallen enemy to sit at his table, that Jesus made to sit with sinners and see the ones the world forgot. This love was the rod of discipline God used to punish the people who had forsaken his covenant (made in love), and it was the mercy God demonstrated by preserving a remnant of his people. We are created in God’s image because of agape. We are adopted as sons and daughters, called by the name of Christ, because of agape. Through agape, God knows us fully, and we do not feel shame because perfect love casts out fear, and we are fully ourselves. To give this love, a love that asks nothing in return because it cannot be returned, to others is kingdom living.

You want to know love? Know God. You want to know God? Go against your nature, take your mind off itself to contemplate a love you can never understand, and then fall on your knees in adoration and worship. You want to worship God? Empty yourself and choose to see others through agape love. You want to love others? Know love, and its source. And so, life in Christ becomes cyclical, yet ever growing further up and in. 

So here’s your challenge: what’s your definition of love? Write it in a haiku, three lines of 5 syllables, 7, then 5. (It’s not as easy as you would think!) You might even choose to write one on each of the four loves. If you want, leave it in the comments or send it to me; I’d love to read them! And if you want to know more about the four loves, read Lewis’ The Four Loves.