I’ve been told that 8’s are hard to love. An 8 has all the qualities of a confrontational leader that, in its unhealthy state, callously steamrolls other people and is totally out of touch with emotions. 8’s are stereotypically power-hungry, angry, and closed off from vulnerability. These qualities are difficult to swallow in women, and especially unforgivable in Christian women. What is an 8 to do if all she wants to do is honor God and the way he made her?
Say what you will about the enneagram (yes, I know it has secular origins), but over the past year or so, I’ve found it to be a very helpful tool in understanding myself. Acknowledging that I am an 8 helped me to name destructive tendencies in my life that came from places of fear so that I can let God redeem the beautiful parts of my personality.
Hallmarks of an 8
8’s are defined by power and intensity. When you talk to an 8, you can feel her power behind her words, and most 8’s are very aware of the power they hold. They crave genuineness and can see right through false flattery. Because of this, an 8 often come across as aloof if she perceives that you are not worth the energy it takes to be in relationship with her. If an 8 has shown any vulnerability toward you, you are a part of a very small circle because you have proven that you can be trusted; you make her feel safe. Be careful about breaking her trust because broken trust is not easily forgiven or forgotten by an 8. If you want to love her well, match her intensity. Don’t be afraid of conflict; if you back down for even a moment, she will see it and you risk losing the relationship, or at least its depth. 8’s thrive on conflict. They see it as a chance to move forward in the relationship, to test its mettle. They do not settle for mediocrity but chase greatness, and they do things the hard way just to prove they can. They fear being out of control or being controlled and will hold tight to their power. They operate under extremes, and they are always willing to fight to the last stand for what they believe in. You can tell when an 8 walks into a room by the inherent confidence she carries with her wherever she goes.
All of the qualities of the 8, just like the qualities of any enneagram number can be found in a healthy or unhealthy 8. The reason most people cringe when I say that I am an 8 have usually come up against the hard, unstoppable force of an unhealthy 8, and some parts of the 8 personality also directly contradict the stereotypical “ideal Christian woman.” However, most people have no concept of what I can do as a healthy 8. I see my personality as a gift because I get things done. I have confidence to take charge of a situation that needs direction. When I commit to doing something, you can guarantee that I will finish it with excellence. My relationships have been deep and meaningful because I cut through the small talk, speak truth when it is needed, and expose intense vulnerability to my small circle of trust. I’ve found contentment in letting go of people who are fake, and I don’t have a problem holding fast to my boundaries. As a woman in ministry, I need to have a certain amount of confidence and leadership ability in order for people to take me seriously, allowing me to advocate for those in my ministry. I would not have made my voice heard at tables where it needed to be heard, or even had a seat at the table, if I was passive or faltered.
This is all only possible by the grace of God. When I started on this “journey of self-discovery,” if you will, he showed me so much of my own darkness, and I was confronted with the times where my 8 tendencies came from a place of fear. I have hurt people because I did not care to listen to them in my own drive to carry out what I knew was right, and I closed myself off from healing when I cut people out who hurt me. I have to consciously remember to be empathetic in certain situations; otherwise I easily forget to take into account the feelings of others. I keep high expectations of other people because I keep high expectations for myself, and often get angry or disappointed if those expectations are not met. Gentleness does not come naturally to me, so I must pray that God would produce that particular fruit and ask for grace when I steamroll others. Where I get into trouble is when I walk into a room thinking I need to prove myself, and my challenges come from a place of self-doubt or fear of being underestimated.
Redefining Strength
Where I have found the most redemption in the destructive parts of my personality is in redefining what strength looks like. Paul writes that in his weakness, Christ’s strength comes through. If I truly believe that, and if I recollect my identity in Christ, then I am free to “take the boxing gloves off’ because the reality is that I have nothing to prove to anyone. My strength is actually in my vulnerability. Leadership becomes about serving others instead of maintaining control.
In relationship, I am learning to leave room for humanity. In other words, God is teaching me to give grace to others in the same way that I need grace. I can set a high bar and help others get there, instead of cutting them off if they don’t, and I can speak the truth with love (emphasis on love), instead of using the truth as a blunt weapon.
Of course, I am still a work in progress, and I learn more and more about myself every day. I can still tend towards using aggression or intimidation to get what I want, consciously or unconsciously. I struggle to let God have the steering wheel in my life and find peace when things get out of my control. People still tell me I’m intimidating, and I wrestle to figure out if it is more honoring to God to change my demeanor to accommodate or to continue as I am and recognize that as their issue. On one hand, why would I want to be in relationship with people who are so easily intimidated, and shouldn’t I live out of the natural confidence I’ve been gifted, but on the other, do I need to become more demure so that I can put off an approachable and kind air? Am I not called to a certain submission as a woman of God, and yet did he not also empower me to boldly speak out against falsehood and injustice? Does he not command me to be still and let him fight my battles, and yet are there not times when it is time to take up the armor and fight the good fight? I can only pray for guidance and discernment as I am confronted with situations that challenge what I know to be true, and repent when I don’t love others well.
I don’t pretend to be an expert on the enneagram, and I think that if you get too deep into it, you can get lost and take on untrue things about yourself just because someone else decided that’s what your number does. I also try to avoid typing other people based on their actions. In the minimal research I’ve done, I don’t identify with all of the typical qualities of an 8, and I’ve met many 8’s who are vastly different than me. However, it has been a very good tool to give voice to underlying desires and fears, and it has helped me love who God created me to be. Learning about other types helps me to love others well, so I would recommend having a basic knowledge of the types. This leaves room for the broad spectrum within each of the types while also providing a foundation for knowing the other person and how he or she operates.
If you want to know more about the enneagram and your type, here’s some resources that were helpful to me. There’s probably a ton of places you can go, but these helped my understanding:
- @justmyenneatype Instagram
- The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (I’ve only read the 8 section out of this book)
- Sleeping at Last enneagram songs and podcasts
- That Sounds Fun Enneasummer podcasts
In the meantime, here’s a Pinterest quote that I think summarizes my 8ness well:
Calm her chaos, but never silence her storm
Hopeful Wanderer 