Its been a hot minute since I’ve posted on my blog, and a few people have asked about it, so here is a short reflection and update on my Oxford journey since I’ve been home for summer for a little over a month now.
It is really difficult to sum up the past year for people who ask. It reminds me of coming home from my high school mission trips because I never know quite what to say or what people really want to hear. Do I give the short answer with only the happy highlights?How do I skim over the hard parts that I haven’t fully processed myself without being dishonest or sounding fake? What picture do I need to paint in this short conversation with people who I’m asking to help fund the next year?
I’d rather not sugarcoat, so I won’t. This year was really hard. I often doubted my purpose there and whether it would have been wiser to wait, and the loneliness that usually accompanies moving abroad increased dramatically because of the heavy, sometimes even oppressive, restrictions of Covid. I didn’t succeed academically in the same way I’ve spent my whole life succeeding, so I questioned who I am if I am not sailing through school with straight A’s at the end, but struggling to figure out my course and only achieving average marks for my first submissions. I didn’t even have ministry to fill me up because I barely had the capacity to be ok for myself, much less to be able to serve in ministry.
In many ways, I felt stripped and bare, a state which I would have never let myself get to under normal circumstances, but I think that God really wanted to use this time and these struggles to show me what it is to be just me in front of him. Me, without my achievements, strength, people, comforts, ministry. It was painful, like Aslan clawing off Eustace’s dragon scales (see Voyage of the Dawn Treader) but it was so good because His presence was so near, and the pressure is off. No performance, no efforts to earn, no trying to guess His will. Just trusting in Jesus, abiding in the Father, and listening to the Spirit. This year was way less about learning how to do applied theology in an academic context and way more about coming to a beautifully vulnerable trust in God.
Of course, this is not to say that it was all painful and hard. I had some people who helped me find some genuinely sweet and even fun moments as we settled in, and there were plenty of things to enjoy about my life in Oxford. Being back in school was a joy, and I absolutely love my job at the coffee shop. I even got to travel and explore a bit at the end of the year, and there will definitely be more opportunities to travel this year. I can confidently say that at the end of all of this, I will have gone on an adventure well worth the dangerous business of stepping out my door.
I also get asked fairly often on the progress of my fundraising. Honestly? Slowly. I was frustrated at first, especially when I compared it to other’s success stories. I’m not sure if I truly believed I would get fully funded through donations, but I hoped. I’m sure I could be putting more effort and strategy into this endeavor, but I’m not a fan of promoting myself or emotionally manipulating people. Really this turned into another subverted expectation. It was never about the number that I raise, but about learning to trust God. In order to ask people for money, I have to believe so deeply that God called me to Oxford at this specific time and that it is worth asking people to come alongside and be a part of it. It was drilled into us at Biola that you can’t do ministry alone, you need a team and the church behind you, so why should I prepare for ministry alone?
Whether or not the entire amount comes in, I’m pressing on and following God’s call back to Oxford in the fall, and trusting that He’ll be faithful like He’s always been before. I continue to communicate my needs, asking first and foremost for prayer as the most powerful way to partner with me and whatever God is doing in me and through me in this season in Oxford.
So what’s next? A little more time at home, where I’m thankful for the freedom to rest and reflect while working on my next essays due at the end of September. Some visits with dear friends, lots of walking the dog, evenings with family. Prayerful preparation for heading back to Oxford for what I’m sure will be a full year. Beyond that? I really can’t say, ask me again a year from now.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. If your time with God in prayer for me inspires you to give financially, here’s a link to my GoFundMe page, or you can get in touch with me to give another way.
Further up and further in, friends.
Hopeful Wanderer 